What I wanted to say

The monkey and I were having a rough day they other day. The day was busy and filled with several errands and the Monkey was in super whine mode. Things were not going well...she got put in time out at CVS and at the doctors office and the reality is I am pretty sure I should have gotten a time out too as my patience had worn thing.

After she went down for her nap I posted the following on Facebook as it pretty much sums up the morning we had had:

I am not going to be winning any mommy awards today...after I snapped at the monkey for the 3rd or 4th time this morning because of her non-stop whining she started crying and said "I luv you Mommy"...sigh #mommyfail

I was trying to be honest about my struggles and share that with the many other moms I know. Most of the comments were encouraging and supportive. But there was one comment that just rubbed me the wrong way and left a lot of thoughts rolling around in my mind.

This post was from someone who should know me well, but doesn't. Someone with whom I have a tense relationship. Someone who I feel judges my words and actions without seeking to understand my heart. Someone with whom I would rather not be friends with on Facebook but who I feel like I can't unfriend because they are, after all...family.

They replied to my comment with this:

Award? Motherhood is a blessing not to be measured in pass or fail. At least the monkey and Mommy are sharing their feelings, never a bad thing

Hmmm....I wasn't feeling it. Like I said, it rubbed me the wrong way. As I thought about it there were so many things I wanted to say in response. I wanted to say

• Of course motherhood is about awards, if it were none of us would do it. I was simply trying to express my mistake.
• Of course motherhood is a blessing...I wasn't actually complaining about being a mom.
• Yes, it is good for us to both express our feelings. But just like I don't allow her to whine and scream when she expresses hers I should not be allowed to snap at her angrily. There are better ways for us to both communicate our feelings.
• The point is that is not the kind of mom I want to be. I don't want to be impatient and short tempered with my daughter. I was trying to express that for people who will be there and to know I am not alone in failing to be the type of mom I want to be. 
• It is possible to fail as a mom and the reality is we all do at times. 

So much I wanted to say in response. But I didn't say any of it...mainly because I have had experience trying to rationalize with this person before. It never gets any where and I am left feeling frustrated with and judged by someone with whom I wish I could have a deeper and more honest relationship. But I also didn't say any of it because what if the real truth is I don't really seek to understand their heart the way I should either?

Knowing what makes you a better mom.

So, one of the things I have been thinking about recently is the importance of knowing what makes you a better mom. I often think about this when I am talking to my mom friends who are feeling worn out or like they aren't getting everything done that they want to. I often wonder how are you taking care of yourself? Are you doing what makes you a better mom?

I think that we as mom's tend to struggle with this for two reasons. One is that we are often so focused on taking care of everyone else's needs that we forget about ourselves. Or maybe, in reality, it is that we just run out of time to take care of ourselves because we don't make ourselves a priority. I often have this conversation with people I work with. There is a lot of guilt associated with taking care of oneself because so many others need us.  However, if we don't fill into our own lives how are we going to have anything left to give to those we love? We must take care of ourselves first so that we can, in turn, take care of them.

Another reason I think that we are bad about this is that we buy into all the shoulds of motherhood. By that I mean there is always someone to tell us how we should do it. We should be at home, we should nurse our babies, we should feed our children only organic foods, we should... I find that we are especially susceptible to this in the church community. I am not sure why this is. But, the fact is, nowhere in the Bible does it say I have to be a stay at home mom to be a good mom. And the reality is what works well for me is not necessarily what works well for you.

That being said, if we are going to take care of ourselves and if we are going do what works well for us as moms we have to know what makes us a better mom. We have to think about it and be intentional about implementing it. Some times it may be trial and error, but working on taking care of yourself is important.

So, here are some of the things that I have realized make me a better mom:

   -Working part time. I love being at home with the monkey, but I also love my career. But, more importantly than that, I need something that is mine, and I need time away from the monkey so I can better appreciate the time I have with her when I am home.

   -Waking up a half hour before the baby. I used to sleep until the baby's cries woke me up. I tend to need more sleep than the average person and thought it was great that my schedule allowed me to sleep in. However, I soon realized that I was often cranky with the monkey first thing in the morning. However, if I wake up a half hour to an hour before her I can drink my first cup of tea, read my emails, and wake up a little bit...I am MUCH less cranky once she gets up.

   -Girls' Night Out! I think every mom should try to make this happen when they can. I love having a night off from mommy duty to just hang out with the girls. Of course I talk about the monkey quiet a bit but it is also nice to have a meal without worrying about the toddler throwing food on the floor.

  -Fostering my hobbies. I love to bake and cook, in fact, I find spending time in the kitchen to be therapeutic (at least I do when there isn't a toddler hanging on my legs begging to be picked up). So A and I try to make time every week for me to get some alone time in the kitchen. It doesn't happen every week, but making it a priority is important.

So, those are a few things I know make me a better mom. What makes you a better mom?

Joys of being the Mommy

We have been having a rough weekend around our house. The monkey has had a terrible cold and like most of us when we are sick doesn't seem to know what she wants. As a mom it is hard because I so badly want to make her feel better but I don't really know what she wants either.

Through the frustration of a sick, overtired, cranky baby I began thinking about the joys of being a mom. It is probably because I need something to pull me out of the grumpiness I found myself in, but I find that as moms we often spend a lot of time thinking about, talking about, and focusing on the frustrations. I don't want to be that kind of mom. I want to focus on the little things. The daily joys that come even in the most frustrating moments, because they are always there if we stop to look at them.

So, here is my list of joys from the weekend:
  -the sound of my daughter's sweet baby laughter...it's magical!
  -the sweet baby kisses I get after a diaper change
  -the chance to rock and sing my baby to sleep (The monkey is not a great cuddler, so any moment I can get cuddling her is precious to me.)
  -watching my daughter play with her books first thing out of bed in the morning
  -Chai tea lattes and quiet moments before the baby gets up for the day
  -the amazing peace and quiet of nap time
  -a wonderful husband who tells me to go take a break and nap if I need to
  -the way the monkey snuggles her head into my shoulder when she is upset or tired
  -a cute new hat for the monkey made by a precious friend. I can't wait for her to wear it!

The Whine

We have entered into a new phase with the monkey. The phase of the whine! Uggg....it is terrible. I have no patience for whining...it simply dives me batty!

The monkey is smart, independent, and just a little stubborn (OK, a lot stubborn, she get's it from me :( ). The problem is, she isn't talking yet. So, this is a little girl knows what she wants, but can't communicate it. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for her. We have taught her some sign language, but only a few words, which are no longer sufficient. So, her default has become the whine and point.

For me, the whining is something we need to put a stop to ASAP. I know that rewarding the whine by responding to it will only reinforce it. However, I am not sure how to stop it. I ignore it as much as I can. Sometimes that helps and sometimes that stops it, but not enough of the time. I ask her to use her words and sometimes she makes the right sounds and/or signs, but since she doesn't know enough that doesn't always help either.

So, here's my question how do you stop the whining at this stage? I am open to any suggestions!

The Big Debate

So, A and I are currently having the big debate...to have more kids or not. It is interesting how that question changed after we had the monkey.

Before we had kids I wanted to have four! I knew I wanted more than two and I didn't want to have an odd number, so four seemed like a good compromise. Plus, I come from a big family. While I only have two siblings, my mom has eight brothers and sisters and I have 24 cousins. We all grew up together and I love the big family feel.

A on the other hand only ever wanted two. His family is significantly smaller than mine and in reality my family overwhelms him every time we are home. He has no desire for a large family and since he only has one brother he was comfortable with two.

However, after my pregnancy with the monkey our thoughts on our family size have changed drastically. As I mentioned before, I had a terrible pregnancy with the monkey. I had terrible morning sickness my entire pregnancy, or as I like to call it, all day sickness. I was nauseous 24/7 for 9 months. I also had terrible back pain that landed me in physical therapy, and to top it all off I ended my pregnancy with a terrible PUPPS rash! Luckily, there were never any problems with the monkey, but it was still hard on both A and I.

So, that leads us to our current debate. In some ways we have a lot of fear of having another terrible pregnancy (I know it could be totally different this time around). It was difficult to have a rough pregnancy when I didn't have a toddler running around. I can't imagine handling another one when the monkey still needs so much of my attention. Plus, in a lot of ways we are happy with our family of three. We feel content here and there are days when the monkey needs so much attention that I can't imagine having two little ones at once.

But, on the other hand, I am not sure that I want the monkey to be an only child. Not that it is a horrible thing, but I love having siblings. There were times we hated each other growing up but now my sister is my best friend. We lean on each other in ways you can only depend on a sibling and I want the monkey to have that. Plus, if it weren't for the rough pregnancy I don't think it would be a debate as we had both wanted more from the beginning.

So, where does that leave us? Still debating. Still praying. I am not sure if their is a right or wrong answer. But it is not a decision we take lightly and there are a lot of questions to consider. But we will continue to talk and more importantly pray, trusting that God will lead us in the right path for our family.

What influenced your decision on whether or not to have more kids?

The measuring stick

Last night I was laying in bed and praying before I fell asleep when I realized that I was feeling discouraged about being a mom. Then I had to stop and ask myself “Why?”

We had a good day yesterday. I went to work for a few hours and then ran a couple errands. A took the monkey to school with him for a bit and then we all landed at home for lunch. After lunch A and the monkey both took naps while I watched a movie and worked on a couple projects. We skipped church (I know, we’re sinners ;) ) in order to have a relaxing evening at home after a long week and it was just that. The monkey was happy and didn’t throw any major fits. We played and cuddled and then put her to bed. All in all, a good day.

So what was the problem? Why was I feeling like I was failing as a mom? As I laid there on pondered this I realized the problem is there is no measuring stick for success as a mom. How do I know if I am doing it right? If I did all the best for her that I could that day? This is especially hard when I can think of a million things I could have done better at the end of any given day. I could have read to her more, I could have played with her more, I could have gotten her to eat more veggies...the list goes on. But, I can’t always think of a lot of things I did really well, I mean I can think of things I did OK, but really well? Not as much.

This lack of a measuring stick is hard for me as a perfectionist. I want to know what I am being measured against and how I can tell if I am succeeding. I want to know when I have done it right and when I am exceeding expectations. Basically, I want to know when I am being a good mom. I want to be able to point to that measuring stick and say “see, I’m doing it right.” When there is no measure of success it feels like failure.

So what does it mean to be successful as a mom? How do I measure it? I am not sure that there are answers to these questions, but I am pondering them for now. I am sure I will eventually come to the realization that I need to give up the measuring stick and be content with giving mothering my best every day. Unfortunately, I’m not there yet, but I am realizing the need and that is a start.