Monday, January 16, 2012

What I wanted to say

The monkey and I were having a rough day they other day. The day was busy and filled with several errands and the Monkey was in super whine mode. Things were not going well...she got put in time out at CVS and at the doctors office and the reality is I am pretty sure I should have gotten a time out too as my patience had worn thing.

After she went down for her nap I posted the following on Facebook as it pretty much sums up the morning we had had:
I am not going to be winning any mommy awards today...after I snapped at the monkey for the 3rd or 4th time this morning because of her non-stop whining she started crying and said "I luv you Mommy"...sigh #mommyfail
I was trying to be honest about my struggles and share that with the many other moms I know. Most of the comments were encouraging and supportive. But there was one comment that just rubbed me the wrong way and left a lot of thoughts rolling around in my mind.

This post was from someone who should know me well, but doesn't. Someone with whom I have a tense relationship. Someone who I feel judges my words and actions without seeking to understand my heart. Someone with whom I would rather not be friends with on Facebook but who I feel like I can't unfriend because they are, after

They replied to my comment with this:
Award? Motherhood is a blessing not to be measured in pass or fail. At least the monkey and Mommy are sharing their feelings, never a bad thing
Hmmm....I wasn't feeling it. Like I said, it rubbed me the wrong way. As I thought about it there were so many things I wanted to say in response. I wanted to say

  • Of course motherhood is about awards, if it were none of us would do it. I was simply trying to express my mistake.
  • Of course motherhood is a blessing...I wasn't actually complaining about being a mom.
  • Yes, it is good for us to both express our feelings. But just like I don't allow her to whine and scream when she expresses hers I should not be allowed to snap at her angrily. There are better ways for us to both communicate our feelings.
  • The point is that is not the kind of mom I want to be. I don't want to be impatient and short tempered with my daughter. I was trying to express that for people who will be there and to know I am not alone in failing to be the type of mom I want to be. 
  • It is possible to fail as a mom and the reality is we all do at times. 
So much I wanted to say in response. But I didn't say any of it...mainly because I have had experience trying to rationalize with this person before. It never gets any where and I am left feeling frustrated with and judged by someone with whom I wish I could have a deeper and more honest relationship. But I also didn't say any of it because what if the real truth is I don't really seek to understand their heart the way I should either?

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