After she went down for her nap I posted the following on Facebook as it pretty much sums up the morning we had had:
I am not going to be winning any mommy awards today...after I snapped at the monkey for the 3rd or 4th time this morning because of her non-stop whining she started crying and said "I luv you Mommy"...sigh #mommyfailI was trying to be honest about my struggles and share that with the many other moms I know. Most of the comments were encouraging and supportive. But there was one comment that just rubbed me the wrong way and left a lot of thoughts rolling around in my mind.
This post was from someone who should know me well, but doesn't. Someone with whom I have a tense relationship. Someone who I feel judges my words and actions without seeking to understand my heart. Someone with whom I would rather not be friends with on Facebook but who I feel like I can't unfriend because they are, after all...family.
They replied to my comment with this:
Award? Motherhood is a blessing not to be measured in pass or fail. At least the monkey and Mommy are sharing their feelings, never a bad thingHmmm....I wasn't feeling it. Like I said, it rubbed me the wrong way. As I thought about it there were so many things I wanted to say in response. I wanted to say
- Of course motherhood is about awards, if it were none of us would do it. I was simply trying to express my mistake.
- Of course motherhood is a blessing...I wasn't actually complaining about being a mom.
- Yes, it is good for us to both express our feelings. But just like I don't allow her to whine and scream when she expresses hers I should not be allowed to snap at her angrily. There are better ways for us to both communicate our feelings.
- The point is that is not the kind of mom I want to be. I don't want to be impatient and short tempered with my daughter. I was trying to express that for people who will be there and to know I am not alone in failing to be the type of mom I want to be.
- It is possible to fail as a mom and the reality is we all do at times.
So much I wanted to say in response. But I didn't say any of it...mainly because I have had experience trying to rationalize with this person before. It never gets any where and I am left feeling frustrated with and judged by someone with whom I wish I could have a deeper and more honest relationship. But I also didn't say any of it because what if the real truth is I don't really seek to understand their heart the way I should either?